i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
