when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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