what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
