Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
