I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
