I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
