I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
