It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
not ubering you a puppy
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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