I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So squirting runs in the family.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
