After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
They have beer where we have blood.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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