felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
