my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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