i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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