she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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