Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
