I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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