There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
