I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
