Apparently you make a good broom.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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