??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
