I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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