Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
