The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
