Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
