i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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