and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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