How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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