my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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