I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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