I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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