My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
