i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
