Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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