the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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