Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
