I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
