yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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