Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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