So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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