It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
