It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
love makes seman taste better
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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