Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
