its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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