Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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