Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
