the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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