Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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