I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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