im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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