i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
