I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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