the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
