Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
