Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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